i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
we should paint friendship bongs
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
