My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
