I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
