Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
