they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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