I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
