i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
