I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
