I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
