I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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