I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
