I got chris browned last night
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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