I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
