I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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