she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
