Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
