just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
