doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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