Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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