i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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