So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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