The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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