went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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