Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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