I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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