mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
