he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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