I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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