This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My feet surprised me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
