There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
