don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
