so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
