You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
