yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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