found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
