Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
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We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
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The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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