I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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