i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
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I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
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They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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