Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
