I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
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