No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sobbing to NWA
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