his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
