im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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