Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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