Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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