Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
