Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
