I could make wine with my vomit
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
