I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
