How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
