I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
