There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
