I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
