You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
