just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Randomize
