I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
