I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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