a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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