Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
thus making me awesome and them whores
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
