The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
