I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
