ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
