...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
